BodyLogos Blog

The Boundaries of Tough Love

“As age creeps in we become more of who we’ve always been.”

This was my father’s warning before his death. And, as my mother ages, it’s truth is undeniable.

Mom’s need has no limits. Her self-care has never started; and, I suspect, her self-respect was lost a long time ago. Tough unconscious pride remains in the wake of her shameless acts of entitlement.

As the last one standing in the family to care for her, I think often about why this is so.
Why has everyone close to her died?

Of course, there are medical reasons for every person’s demise. But stress is the root of all dis-ease. And, emotional distress is what exhausts our immune system, making use unfit to fight dis-ease. They all died young.

My deep dive into this subject is prompted by not wanting to be next!

I write these words feeling just, yet cruel.
But I write unbridled, because I believe the boundaries that save me, carry the same salvation for mom.

She, for example, can make a phone call on her own behalf, yet she doesn’t.
She can exercise restraint with her diet to avoid diarrhea, yet she doesn’t.
She can pick up after herself in consideration of her roommate, yet she doesn’t.

So everyone around her has to see to her needs. Or else, they have to clean up the financial, physical or emotional consequences.

But how is living her responsibilities for her, really helping her?

As a kid, friends used to call me and my sister slave-children. Because we had so many chores after school, we’d miss after-school playtime more often than not. It taught us to be responsible, but it taught her to be dependent.

Mom never had to take care of herself. She was taken care of.

As a coach/trainer I highlight the importance of living with appreciation for one’s own abilities, and gratitude for the abilities of others. I believe that discipline, of any kind, is a delight, when appreciation and gratitude are present.

The absence of these qualities creates resentment, shame and depression.

I ask myself when emotionally exhausted, am I resistant to help mom because I’m resentful? Am I foregoing gratitude?

My answer, after much soul searching is, because I appreciate my own self-care, I can have gratitude for mom’s struggle to exercise her own self-care. She’s not too old to dial a phone, eat properly, consider others, or love herself, unless we make her so.

This may be the greatest lesson in both our lifetimes. For this, I am grateful.

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Redefining Strength

I want to change our perception of strength. Strength is the ability to meet resistance and influence an outcome without compromising ourselves. And we already have it.

Strength is not an attribute; it’s a state of being. Gladiators, bodybuilders, and football players demonstrate strength through brute force, sheer willpower, muscle mass, and relentless pursuit. But we’re also quick to identify dancers and martial artists as strong. Their medium taps into a sense of vulnerability, balance, alignment, controlled power, and grace—but no one can deny their strength. Strength may look different on each of us, but it is an inherent part of who we are.

You are not weak by nature; you are stronger than you think. Your strength is not something you need to kill yourself to gain—it is already within you, waiting to be excavated. The key is to stop chasing something you already have and tap into it, so you can manifest that strength in your everyday life.

Because we don’t think we’re strong, we approach resistance with the idea that we’re not enough. We throw everything we have at it and push past our physical, mental, and emotional limitations. We see strength as domination, but it’s not.

When you learn to listen to your body’s divine wisdom, you cultivate a sense of where your body is developing tension instead of standing in its strength. You end the vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations, injury, and self-criticism and learn how to consciously embrace responsible growth. You stop compartmentalizing your strength into emotional, physical, and mental pieces and operate from the strength of your being at all times.

You learn how to align yourself with gravity—instead of working against it—so you can channel your strength to meet life’s resistance. As you meet resistance with equal parts power and alignment, you transform tension into strength

As in the sword dance above, the power lies in bringing just the right amount of force—not too little and not too much. By meeting the sword’s weight, I meet gravity. I am tapped into a larger source of energy, free of tension, and discover a strength that is wholly and uniquely mine.

About Tammy Wise

Tammy Wise is a widely respected mind-body fitness expert based out of New York City, owner of BodyLogos, Inc. author of The Art of Strength: Sculpt the Body ~ Train the Mind. A former Broadway dancer turned Tao minister, Tammy was voted the Best of Fitness by Time Out New York and has appeared in Martha Stewart’s Whole Living magazine, New York Magazine, Natural Health, Shape, and Thrive Global. She’s a Transformational Authors Contest Winner and regular contributor to Honeysuckle magazine and Medium. Visit her at bodylogos.com.