Tag Archive for: safety

Choosing You to Reclaim Love

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We all know people whose identity is wrapped up in being the funny, smart or artistic one. And their sense of value is dependent on broadcasting that “thing.”

Their comments regularly remind listeners of this “thing” they believe makes them lovable using shocking jokes, speaking above the mean, or belittling the artistry of others. Not considering how it may make others feel.

Unless you’re the butt of the joke, the one who doesn’t understand or whose work is being judged, their comments generate laughter, status and awe.

But, what do you do when you’re the butt of the joke?

I’ve experienced being under the weight of a funny guy and an artistic mother. Both of whom, had no intention to hurt me, only to broadcast themselves as the “thing” they valued so much. In fact, I don’t believe I even existed in their inner dialogue at all.

This was the problem. I was hurt just by being associated. Deeply hurt. And they were oblivious to it. They didn’t see that their behavior valued the “thing” more than me.

In both instances, I first tried to validate their popularity and appreciate their talents, in hopes that they’d gain enough confidence to stop throwing verbal daggers. Of course this didn’t work, they were completely unaware of any casualties.

Then, I tried to defend my self and my artistic works, but this was met with complete disinterest. So, I decided this was an opportunity to build my own self-confidence. Why not turn lemons into lemonade!

But, no matter my level of confidence, being around them eventually began to feel unsafe. So, I let them know my feelings. I lost my cool, you might say! And, their response was bewilderment. “How could you feel this way?!” I was dismissed and they continued.

Finally, in both situations, I had to turn my back on them. I had to love myself enough to walk away… at least temporarily. This is what it took for them to look at themselves and consider their actions.

Love makes us want to uplift each other, stand by each other. So we can weather a lot before walking away from it or them. Love is also precious. So we don’t turn our backs without due cause.

I learned that loving myself is the answer to reclaim love. Even when the action of turning my back seems unloving. Because it asks them to love themselves enough to be loving to me. And, my own self-love soothed the swallowed hurts that had accumulated from loving them through their assault of unconscious daggers.

The phrase, you can only love another as much as you love yourself, has never felt more true. For them and me.

May we help each other grow in love, forever and always.

Computerized Heads

Delight Steers Strength

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Computerized Heads

A Lesson from On-Line Dating

After hearing on the news that we’d likely be living this Corona-lifestyle for another year. I joined a dating site!

This was a change of heart. It happened after years of nudging friends urged me to try internet dating. And I saying, “No way! I’m not proving my desirability with my resume’. I’m a being, not a doing!”

But we’ve all had to pivot in many ways to survive this pandemic. How I meet a fella suddenly felt less important than meeting a fella.

An interesting man and I started messaging back and forth. Every time he’d message me, I’d linger 3-4 days before responding. Because the delight I felt, that someone saw me and liked me, kept growing for that many consecutive days. It was delightful. I didn’t want to interrupt the stretch inside me by responding immediately.

Apparently, a little attention goes a long way, when you’ve been living alone for 6-months in a pandemic–– single! Finally, when the delight leveled off, I’d message him back.

Within a half-day he’d retort. And the same rhythm continued. I’d respond in 3-4 days and he’d respond within a day.

Our banter was enjoyable, for about three or four exchanges. Then I was like, is he gonna ask me out or what? I had no interest to meander along fantasizing about a man I’d never really met. We live in the same city after all.

Believing that a strong man asks a woman out, and I want a strong man, I waited.

But when the ask didn’t come as soon as I wanted it, the delight turned to disappointment. My belief interpreted his reserve as weak.

I suddenly realized, I was misguided.

I wasn’t being me. I wasn’t serving my rhythm when I didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t ask him out. I was instead, doing me. I was doing what I had done for years with in-person dating. I was doing my resume’ while running interference with dating.

Shocked that I was hiding behind a belief that kept me powerless to choose what I wanted. I realized I was protecting myself from choosing wrong. A belief that kept me safe and free, but unfulfilled.

I wanted to follow the inner stretch of being delighted.

In my next message, as if my body’s need to get real led my fingers, I gave him my phone number. I could feel my mind hesitating, holding fast to safety, but I carried on and pushed SEND.

In his typical style, in half an hour he called. He asked me out to a museum that afternoon!

What is strength to you?

Does strength have a look or feeling or rule? How do you measure strength beyond the weight of a barbell? Is strength vulnerable or stoic?

In this story, I don’t believe strength lies in who called who or who asked who out. Finally listening for what brought me delight and acting on it, was where strength lied.

Strength was had by living what was feeding my delight. And the level of delight measured my honesty with myself.

Where is your doing misaligned with your being? When or where do you lose the feeling of delight? What beliefs need review to reclaim your delight?

To my surprise, on-line dating opened my eyes to something that in-person dating hadn’t been able to do. Maybe on-line working and socializing has more depth than we realize at first glance?

Please comment below about your view on STRENGTH.