We all cringe when assaulted with hurtful words.
Angry daggers spew from desperate mouths in an effort to pacify their underlying fears. These sharp daggers puncture holes in relationships; and, they bury the respect and care that once created unity.
A silent scream contracts my neck as I sleep. I wake up to the physical pain of emotional struggle brought on by those daggers, my own and of those closest to my recently buried sister.
They accuse me of making their life harder than it already is. A series of insults are screamed at me, followed by a phone receiver’s click. None of their angry rants express a rational violation, so I’m left bewildered.
Another interaction isn’t an interaction at all. I’m dismissed and ignored. My bewilderment turns to belittle-ment.
Then in their final act, I’m told that they’re sorry for the last text or call, and that they still love me, BUT…. and again and again, the cycle goes round.
While I understand they’re in pain. I don’t understand the BUT!
BUT WHAT? What have I done?
Perhaps this is where I get off track. Am I asking the wrong question?
Perhaps the right question is: What have they done?
They claim to love; yet, their accusations are far-fetched assumptions mixed with complete untruths. The story being told is false and the love they profess is feeble.
What I know is: until we own our stories, our stories own us.
What I’ve learned here is: until I own my story AND love myself, my story is written by others.
To resolve the fight rather than manage the pain, in my neck and my heart, I have to surrender my defenses. I have to fully appreciate all that I AM and fall in love. Accept myself. Show up for myself. Love myself unconditionally. And stand relaxed and strong in ownership of who and what I am.
Only then can I live in peace, no matter the circumstances.
And, align in my power, to change my circumstances.
And live in love.
I am not to blame for my sister’s death, nor do I need to defend my love for her.
Defending oneself or blaming others protects the dagger throwing beast that perpetuates pain. A beast that would rather be angry at life, than vulnerable in it. A beast that will sacrifice everything to be right.
Instead, can we surrender into the underlying fear, sadness and hurt. Empathize with what’s under our rage and learn to love.
May we have the courage to meet the beast within our own stories and tame it.