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DancerInWhite

Jeffrey Epstein Cohorts

DancerInWhite

How Sex, Dad and Dance Woke Me Up!

There have been many reports regarding sexual misconduct, sexual abuse, sex trafficking and pedophilia. Little commentary from these report’s share the actual experience beyond the victim/perpetrator dynamic.

Jeffrey Epstein’s story is no exception. Even with the stream of young women who bravely confirmed his disgraceful schemes, the high drama was created by the who’s, the how’s, and the outcomes.

An experience is felt. It may be felt all at once or as awakening layers of deadened sensation. An experience exposes feelings not scandalous facts.

My story is an account of my experience, not the facts that could accuse and convict a perpetrator. My perpetrator is dead and I seek no revenge. What I offer in this story is faith building…

Asleep only a few hours, I am awoken night after night by my dad. Hearing him enter my private space curled me up into a ball of tension. My eyes wide open under closed eyelids. Even the first time, at the age of ten, I knew nothing good was going to follow.

Then suddenly, I am plucked out of the terror, from what felt like a hand from the heavens, taking me to a place that I can only describe as nirvana––a place where the soul is free from worldly possessions (including my physical body)––a place where I felt safe, relaxed and strong.

This is referred to as a disassociated state in psychology, where the person experiences a detachment from reality, different from a loss of reality as in psychosis. My experience of this state was not one of mental scrutiny; rather, it was a spiritual awakening.

When in this surreal state I felt plugged into both earth and sky. A relationship with my energy body, separate from my physical body, was woken. My central plumb line––the body’s innermost relationship with gravity––was plugged into a relaxed stretch that carried a current of pure life force. I was infused with a spiritual strength that cursed through my energy centers.

I felt like the channel connecting earth and sky. I felt important. I felt like an integral part of the whole of Creation.

Then suddenly, I would be snapped back into my physical body. Usually dad would be gone by then. Sometime not.

My life was like a Ping Pong game. For the 3-years dad visited my room at night to satisfy his sexual need. Back and forth I would bounce, between feeling the relevance of unifying earth and sky, to feeling unworthy of the most basic parental protection.

I had no control over these disassociated experiences. Just as I had no control over what was happening in my reality. But what I gained from these experiences was twofold:

• I have clear reference points for tension and strength.
• And I can distinguish between energy movement and physical movement.

At this time in my life I started dance classes. I wanted the physical mastery to maintain the energy alignment I experienced in my surreal life in my real life. I knew undoubtedly that spirit lived through me, and the way to connect with it was through my central plumb line––my posture.

I learned to transform the static energy of tension into the fluid energy of strength. I found the quiet balance of energy movement inside the demands of physical challenge, and understood the inner grace of poised posture.

Through years of practice, the tension of my curled up body learned to elongate into a channel of life force. Gaining the mastery, embodied in my surreal life into my real life, landed me in the Broadway cast of A Chorus Line at the age of nineteen!

Posture matters. It has the capacity to break through tensions grip and transform misaligning beliefs. It rescued me from the potential downward spiral of my childhood trauma.
Your plumb line connects the essence of you with gravities force and you plug into a universal belonging that is safe, relaxed and fiercely strong.

Strength is experienced as ease-full, not tough, rough and rugged.

It has become clear to me that many of the ways we are taught to strive, prepare and compete for the lives we want are tension building rather than strength enhancing. And by relating to an end goal, in leu of being on the journey, keeps us detached from our energy body––Spirit–– and exhausts our physical body.

What I have concluded from my experience is, the aligning energy that connects our energy body (or Spirit Self) to our physical body is the energy we each borrow from the greater whole. It took trauma for me to experience the gift of spiritual belonging. Showing me that there is a sacred thread that runs through all our life experiences.

Listen inwardly and trust what feels safe, relaxed and strong.

 

To learn to access the relaxed strength found in your posture check out: The Art of Strength: Sculpt the Body ~ Train the Mind, a Book-3D/Video Learning System that helps you feel relaxed on the inside and strong on the outside.

Single-Hood Suddenly Feels Like a Life Sentence!

But, it just as suddenly can change.

My first weeks in isolation were uncharacteristic and dark. I mean, typically I’ve liked alone time.

Thoughts about how long it would be before being touched, or touching another human being, cut like a knife. Hopeless loneliness creeped into every moment.

My body was, and continues to be, starved for touch. But it’s changed.

Being single had been a choice to immerse myself in creating my dreams. But suddenly, single-hood felt like a life sentence.

I’m not single because of Coronavirus. I’m single because I cherish me-time. Coronavirus just took away my buffer. Dance and therapeutic touch satisfied the sensual grace physical connection inspires. But this artistry has distracted me, to the point of replacing, a deeper want for an intimate we.

Isolation brought me face to face with my want, and a face off in the mirror.

As I looked myself in the eye, first the right eye then the left, (Does that have some significance?) I recognized that my ambivalence about relationships has always circled around the same theme: they take more than they give. It’s not worth the effort. I’ve got more important plans!

To no surprise, my history is riddled with touch taking—stealing—what was creative in me. From childhood sexual abuse to nursing a brain-injured lover. My time and body were exhausted by their needs.

I’ve been self-isolating, limiting touch, for years.

Now I’m yearning for it!

The CoronaCrisis has cracked me open. Something in me has shifted.

At first it felt sad. I wanted to punish myself for lost time. But then something wonderful happened.

I realized something when I took in my reflection. I wasn’t running away from my past, I was running toward my future. I HAVE made an effort to be in relationship. With myself. And I’m a good partner.

I’ve given myself quiet space to create in. Uninterrupted time to dream in. Aloneness to explore in. I have given myself time to explore what is important to me. And I have successes to show for it.

My fierce love for me has protected what I’ve cherished in me—my body and creative life force—this alliance is what I live and die for. Single-hood has taught me to be a thoughtful, intuitive and independent partner.

Single-hood is a partnership between the inner and outer worlds of a self. This relationship is a gift, not lost time.

Rather than focusing on wanting touch, now I focus on how I’m available for touch. My chest is relaxed wide open, my arms and palms rotate outward in readiness, and my pelvis feels anchored under me. My availability for touch is settling into my body’s posture. Rooting it’s permission in my expression.

I am finally present with an unfulfilled want. No running away or chasing. Just in its majesty.

For today, I am touched by being open to receive.

It is worth the effort. Relationships are worth your effort, be they inward or outward.

Want can be uncomfortable, but it guides you to your next step in living free and whole. Stay awake in these times and learn what you’re yearning for.