But, it just as suddenly can change.
My first weeks in isolation were uncharacteristic and dark. I mean, typically I’ve liked alone time.
Thoughts about how long it would be before being touched, or touching another human being, cut like a knife. Hopeless loneliness creeped into every moment.
My body was, and continues to be, starved for touch. But it’s changed.
Being single had been a choice to immerse myself in creating my dreams. But suddenly, single-hood felt like a life sentence.
I’m not single because of Coronavirus. I’m single because I cherish me-time. Coronavirus just took away my buffer. Dance and therapeutic touch satisfied the sensual grace physical connection inspires. But this artistry has distracted me, to the point of replacing, a deeper want for an intimate we.
Isolation brought me face to face with my want, and a face off in the mirror.
As I looked myself in the eye, first the right eye then the left, (Does that have some significance?) I recognized that my ambivalence about relationships has always circled around the same theme: they take more than they give. It’s not worth the effort. I’ve got more important plans!
To no surprise, my history is riddled with touch taking—stealing—what was creative in me. From childhood sexual abuse to nursing a brain-injured lover. My time and body were exhausted by their needs.
I’ve been self-isolating, limiting touch, for years.
Now I’m yearning for it!
The CoronaCrisis has cracked me open. Something in me has shifted.
At first it felt sad. I wanted to punish myself for lost time. But then something wonderful happened.
I realized something when I took in my reflection. I wasn’t running away from my past, I was running toward my future. I HAVE made an effort to be in relationship. With myself. And I’m a good partner.
I’ve given myself quiet space to create in. Uninterrupted time to dream in. Aloneness to explore in. I have given myself time to explore what is important to me. And I have successes to show for it.
My fierce love for me has protected what I’ve cherished in me—my body and creative life force—this alliance is what I live and die for. Single-hood has taught me to be a thoughtful, intuitive and independent partner.
Single-hood is a partnership between the inner and outer worlds of a self. This relationship is a gift, not lost time.
Rather than focusing on wanting touch, now I focus on how I’m available for touch. My chest is relaxed wide open, my arms and palms rotate outward in readiness, and my pelvis feels anchored under me. My availability for touch is settling into my body’s posture. Rooting it’s permission in my expression.
I am finally present with an unfulfilled want. No running away or chasing. Just in its majesty.
For today, I am touched by being open to receive.
It is worth the effort. Relationships are worth your effort, be they inward or outward.
Want can be uncomfortable, but it guides you to your next step in living free and whole. Stay awake in these times and learn what you’re yearning for.