What Marriage Means to Me

Tammy with Engagement Painting

My commitment to healing the tendrils of tension incest germinated, has opened me up enough, to attract a man who could love with abandon and open my heart. His unconditional love has supported me over a very vulnerable bridge: to believe love is kind.

I recognize that I sometimes have one foot on each side of a chasm of caution. But that was enough for, my boyfriend of 5-years, to gift me his hand in marriage.

I believe that I have earned this gift of trusted love. But when Anthony and I first met, I had one more very important step to take. Open my heart.

My work with BodyLogos—a mind body approach to strength training, born out of my experience with incest—released the shell of tension my body built to protect my heart. My bones aligned with gravity. My skeletal-muscles released their tension. Now, my actual heart muscle was being encouraged to release its tension.
Anthony, an untrained and free flowing drummer and painter, spoke often about unconditional love. It germinated everything he did.

I’d roll my eyes and think silently to myself, “everything has conditions, especially love.”

I wanted to go with his flow, but my despairing-heart rejected the idea.

Then… to introduce Anthony to an energy healer I followed on-line, we relaxed side-by-side and were guided through a meditation. I finally felt it… Unconditional love!

Everything was OK. Nothing needed to be a certain way for me to feel safe. I didn’t need to be perfect. Peace replaced protection. I felt Grace finally permeate the whaling walls of fear, my heart muscle built up, from my childhood trauma.

I now had a reference point for love with no tendrils of tension attached.

An innocence to love was returned (or remembered?).

Soon after this experience, I had a medical procedure under anesthesia. I was awoken by Anthony. He said, “Hey love, are you awake?” I felt like Snow White being kissed by a prince. His voice breathed life into me. He filled me with light.

As I write these words my smile grows beyond a smile of pleasantry, or even gratitude. It’s a smile of overwhelming emotion. A rainbow of delight.

Anthony was the innocent, free flowing energy of strength, I have needed to reclaim the love in my heart.

On Valentine’s Day Anthony proposed to me with a painting. After unwrapping the gifted canvas, he described the many scenes of our life together depicted in his abstract swaths of color.

Then, he said, “turn it over.” On the back was written, “My Valentine Marry Me.” I said, “yes!” And in that yes, I realized, marriage isn’t just about the two of us. Just like incest wasn’t just about me and dad. A union infuses the world it lives in with love or fear.

Marriage now means, to me, standing for love with another person. It’s not a dutiful commitment to another. It’s so much bigger than that. It prioritizes delighting in each other, day after day after day, to infuse unconditional love into the world.

As I prepare for our July wedding I am jubilant! With each detail planned, the innocence that was taken from me is being reclaimed tenfold. Moment by moment, I am remembering that love is kind.

This is what healing looks like. One step, one moment, one happening, at a time.