A Love Letter’s Passage

Love letters are written to encapsulate and celebrate a moment in time, and in hope of a shared, reciprocal, experience. Being thanked for a love letter’s kind words, although polite, does not communicate any reciprocal feelings. But, at least, it lets you know that you’ve been heard.

When a love letter response leaves us feeling flat, we generally wonder if we’re barking up the wrong tree? We question, “should I stay or should I go now?” Maybe we even consider further conversations, but who likes to ask for, beg for, or whine for love?!

Love is either a shared experience or a life experience.
And, when the response-that-feels-flat comes from mom, there’s no place else to go.
But, here lyes the gift of this life experience.
I got to sit in an important truth… love is not my mom’s currency.

I’ve spent my life chasing mom’s affection, acceptance, attention… to feel love and belonging. But, mom was busy collecting affection, acceptance, attention… to feel beloved and validated.

Belonging is a shared experience.
Validation is an autonomous experience.

This distinction reframed my whole understanding of our relationship!

Mom has always used her artistic gifts to share her worth in the world, and she taught me to do the same. I thanked her for this in my love letter, feeling incredibly lucky to have learned so young that my natural gifts could be valuable.

But, this is how mom and I differ…
• When she receives praise for her art, she feels validated… beloved.
• When there’s an opportunity to give praise, she feels threatened.

• When I receive praise for my art, I feel belonging… loved.
• When there’s an opportunity to give praise, I feel connected.

All these years I kept trying to win her love by getting better at the things she taught me. But finally, by witnessing her polite, emotionally void response, around the expression of my love, I see that my efforts to be better at the things she taught me felt threatening to her, rather than loving her.

She’s a lone wolf, while I want to be part of a pack.

To her, my love letter was validation of HER worth, not an honoring of OUR relationship.

The way to love a lone wolf is to keep your eyes on them, love yourself in the way you want to be loved by them, and realize their autonomy is their survival. It’s not personal.

The way to be loved by a lone wolf is understand that the affection, acceptance and attention you give them unconditionally, curates within your self the confidence, pride and love you thought you needed from them.

The original sentiment of a love letter is a beginning. How it is received sheds light on the mystery between two people and their inner dynamics. Love’s passage is a full circle between two people.

A quiet chamber of my heart is now saying:
It’s not personal mom, but I don’t need your affection, acceptance, attention… to feel love and belonging anymore.
You’ve taught me to love myself.

Leave a comment, if you can relate.