Faith and Fear are both Unknowns

I recently heard a coach say, “Faith and fear are both unknowns, we always have a choice.” While I absolutely agree with the statement, it stirred up a lot of questions. It made me wonder if one replaces the other, and if that’s healing?

As an incest survivor, the greatest fear in my life was the terror I experienced every time dad came into my room with his penis in hand. In retrospect, it wasn’t just the incest, it was the fact that he could sacrifice our love for his addiction/compulsion.

The association between terror and love has continued to interfere with my life as I’ve grown into adulthood. While layers of healing has occurred around my incest story, all of which elevated me out of the pain and suffering. This association with love, as I prepare to be married this July, has revealed itself in full force.

I sometimes question if the love we share is real. Then I flip back in time, wondering if the incest happened at all? As if denying everything is some unconscious ditch effort to make the freeze of terror go away.

Denial is a powerful choice too.

Then, I realized that, I have placed a great deal of attention on the gift I received from my experience surrounding incest. This being my BodyLogos healing method, born out of the energetic/physical alignment I experienced when in a disassociated state. An altered state that magically saved me from much of dad’s actions.

This shifted my attention from fear to faith. Meaning, I could focus on recreating the peaceful alignment, in mind and body, that I found in that disassociated altered state, to make a preferred reality. It seemed much more productive than dwelling on the terror found in realizing I was in a heartless, perhaps loveless, family of origin.

But, bypassing the fear, to the happier faith of BodyLogos’ healing effects, didn’t serve to brake my bouts of denial that the incest never happened. It continued to haunt my sense of knowing—my sense of sanity.

What I’ve come to, is while the similarity between faith and fear is that they’re both unknowns; they’re also opposites, in that faith has structure and fear is chaotic.

Is it necessary to sit with our fears, sit in the chaos, knowing we have a faith in something that will bring us back to center when it’s time? Is standing in the face of our fears, feeling its wrath, necessary to know without a doubt what did, in fact, happen to us?

I’m beginning to believe that we need to be patient in life. Not be so quick to get to the happy ending, or denial becomes our scapegoat.

Well, there’s no denying the love my upcoming marriage is built on. I am filled with delight, and his tenderness is unwavering. I have spent years scrutinizing love, to learn what it isn’t. Now I intend to master enjoying everything it is.