A Family Tree

After 3-years of silence, my Thanksgiving blessing was getting a phone call from my nephew. He has ghosted me since his mother’s death.

We spoke for an hour about my sister’s (his mother’s) illness and passing, his father’s behaviour then and now, my aging mother’s (his grandmother’s) care-giving needs, and our individual reactions to all of it.

Rather than focussing on how I couldn’t and didn’t live up to expectations around my sister’s plight, judgment was replaced with understanding and shared disappointments re-bonded our relationship.

The timing of his call, however, was uncanny.

The day before his call, I had a heart to heart talk with my mom regarding my boundaries in her care-giving needs. I had taken on the responsibility of paying her bills and driving her to doctors after my sister’s death.

Sis took over these tasks when mom had open heart surgery. It was an emergency situation that required extra care-giving. But after mom’s physical recovery, she never took back her personal responsibilities. She just let sis take care of her year after year.

From a very young age, my sister and I were trained to care-give mom. Are daily chores were traditional mother tasks. We’d follow a daily check-off list that was reviewed end of day. Not done or not done well resulted in being grounded!

Mom never even had to ask us to help her, it was set-up and expected to be done. And, we obeyed to ensure our own freedom and parental approval.

As a grown woman, it may seem shocking that I’m still vying for mom’s approval. But, the pattern is well laid; and though, a new aligned path comes with personal freedom, the same disapproving consequences lay heavy.

I recently learned that mom gets free rides to doctors through her insurance and she’s still sharp enough to write her own rent check. So, I thought it would be better for her to reclaim her own life and take responsibility for her own affairs.

And, practically speaking, sis lived 1-mile away from her and I’m 60-miles away in another state (NYC) without a car. So, this arrangement was costing me professional time and financial strife. This was not sustainable.

Practicality, however, has little influence in emotional matters.

As anticipated, mom responded to my needs with, “Sherry wanted to help me, but if you don’t FINE!”

She had an opportunity to say, “thanks for your help the last 3-years.” Or conversely, “I really need your support, could you please still help me with…” But instead, she focused on how I can’t and don’t live up to her expectations.

The girl in me was twisted in angst to speak of my own needs with her, while the woman felt empowered to stand up to her life-long entitlement. I hung up the phone shaking with a mixture of terror, uncertainty and relief.

But, when I heard from my nephew on the heels of this stand off, I felt validation.

The Universe showed me that owning my own boundaries, as I did in both these familiar relations, makes the other person as uncomfortable as it makes me. At least for people-pleasures, like myself.

But allowing the discomfort the time to fully expand and express offer’s personal maturity, deep connection, and mutual respect.

It strikes me how my mom never asks for help, yet finds people to give it. Without the humbling act of asking for help, the giver is given no opportunity to say no. Instead, they have to remain the obedient child, a people pleasure, or create a dialogue where they can say no.

May my mom and I follow in my nephew’s and my footsteps… only quicker.